Walking on Campus
A journey of self-discovery on an innocuous college visit
ca-lick, ca-lick, ca-lick
My feet hit the hard gray stone of the walkway in a continuous rhythm
The shadows seem to crawl closer to me with every step
I look around, do they know I don’t belong?
Can they see that I’m an outsider?
Only a brief visitor, soon to be cast out again, the doors locked behind me
This feeling of isolation grows and grows as I look from person to person
I suddenly feel so small in a world that was built for bigger people
ca-lick, ca-lick, ca-lick
Nervously, nervously I speed up
But wait, am I going too fast? Will they notice? Can they see it on my face?
I check my expression, force it into a calm and blank stare fixed upon my feet
Do I look too blank? Too expressionless? Are they watching me now?
Can I blend in? Am I blending in? What if its already too late?
These questions buzz through my head at a million miles a minute
Like an indistinguishable roar consuming my whole body
But subtly, ever so subtly
My pace changes,
My breath slows,
My mind empties.
It’s as if all the sound has suddenly stopped
Leaving only this soft ringing that persists even in the silence
ca-lick, ca-lick, ca-lick
It hits me
I look up, trusting my feet to carry me forward
Out of the silence, out of the pure white flooding my mind,
A voice, strong, and clear, rings through my head
I DO belong, I DO fit in
And this is exactly where I need to be
ca-lick, ca-lick, ca-lick
Suddenly the rhythm of my feet hitting the ground isn’t forcibly even
Suddenly my face relaxes out of honest serenity
Suddenly I know that this is where I can be ME
That every other time before this I was desperately trying to be something I was not
Like a bird being let free for the first time
Able to spread its wings and taste the air as it rushes by
Thought and worry eclipsed by instinct and feeling
I’m probably smiling, in fact I know I’m smiling
To who in particular?
Well no one really, but it doesn’t matter
I want to stop and relish the moment
But my feet never stop on their uninhibited journey
ca-lick, ca-lick, ca-lick
I’m walking towards something now
Something great, something wonderful, something… free
Something that was, is, and forever will be
Me